| As racial conflicts escalated in the city and distrust grew, the civil rights movement became bitter and life became dangerous for us. Social conflicts were pulling our social network apart and tearing at our marriage. My husband wanted to move into a communal group I felt suspicious of. Then a friend and I each, separately, became victims of violence. Eventually my husband moved into the commune and I left with the children and moved to Princeton. We didn't have life sustaining answers to the problems we were facing. In the leadership void that followed the murders of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and Robert Kennedy, two people whose leadership I respected, I worked in a liberal church, then went to San Francisco to look into a radical left wing political group. But their philosophical base was very different from Dr. King's. Dr. King was nonviolent, a follower of Ghandi who learned the principals of nonviolent protest from Tolstoy who gleaned them from the Sermon on the Mount and Jesus. One day I went to the ER because of a nagging cough and was shocked to find that I needed heart surgery. Suddenly I was faced with illness, my own mortality and political doctrine seemed woefully inadequate at that moment. I could imagine my children growing up as orphans and what had I taught them that would sustain them? I left our Marxist friends and we went to the home of an aunt and she and her Brethren prayer group began to pray for us and then we went back East.
On my way into surgery I remember praying, "Oh God, if there is a God, you know what I'm like. If you want to help me, please...". I experienced an initial lightning recovery and glimpses of the Unseen but soon forgot God and my healing stagnated and began to regress. A second heart valve was failing. Then when I really despaired of life, my sister and her husband, who had just returned from the West coast moved in with us for a few months. They had become Christians in a revival taking place there, "the Jesus Movement". I initially thought they had lost their minds. They were trying to talk to me about "Adam and Eve"...! Then I had a fantastic dream. I was in a garden and in front of me was the tree of Life. Nobody had to tell me what it was. I thought "well, I'll get me some of that fruit right away". Then I heard a beautiful voice, the most beautiful that I have ever heard, telling me to leave the garden and I didn't even care what it said because it was so beautiful. I fell on my knees in worship and then woke up. It was the clearest dream I ever had and I knew it came from God. I knew that there must be something I had never seen before in that old story. But because it baffled me so I began reading in the New Testament for surely something uncanny was going on and I needed to know more so I could talk about it with my sister and her husband. I was beginning to feel a strange mixture of hope abd fear. They had been living by the Bible in a group started by a Hebrew Christian for about 6 months before they came. As I read the gospels, the first surprising impression of Jesus was how much he cared about people who were oppressed or poor or ill! Then an internal quiet voice began to talk to my heart in such a personal way. Was it my imagination? And the Voice in my heart and the Word in my hands and the reality of what was going on began to coincide over the days to come. I read about Jesus healing someone and I asked it "Do you still do things like this"?
"Why don't you try me?" so I asked for healing- for time to care for my children and by my next Dr's appointment my heart valve was working much better- I know because not only did I feel better, the Dr. was amazed. I recovered to a large degree and kept on reading the New Testament, I knew I was dealing with a Reality at this point and in it found "sin"(that old Adam and Eve story)and forgiveness and new Life, God's way of dealing with sin, purchased for us at the cross, enough forgiveness for the whole world. For thirty eight years now I have continued to respond to His Word, and God's Spirit has continued to teach me and to set me free. Over the years my husband and I became close friends again. He became an Orthodox Christian and we found ways to be more mutually supportive of our children. He died of COPD last year but I expect we will see ech other again someday. Although I still get lost in the fog sometimes, God keeps bringing me back to Himself and I have the sense of purpose that I need and also the correction. He is still growing my faith and teaching me to trust Him. "Taste and see that the Lord is good. Blessed is the man that trusts in Him."
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